Family

Dear Birth Mother,

I am sitting here in church with my brother-in-law and his family and I was thinking about what it means to be family. There are the obvious family, my husband and children are my nuclear family. My parents and sister are the family I grew up in. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents are my extended family. My husband’s family are my family-in-law. Wow! I have A LOT of family.

None of the definitions above cover other people that I consider family though. I have often heard the phrase ‘friends are the family you choose for yourself’, and I have been very blessed to not only have amazing friends that I call family but also that my parents had amazing friends that I grew up (and still consider) my aunts, uncles and cousins. A post I was reading on Facebook this morning by one of those cousins reminded me of the absolutely wonderful people I have been lucky enough to be surrounded with my entire life. I am so grateful to social media for allowing me to still be a part of that “family’s” life. I will forever be grateful that a loving Heavenly Father placed these people in my life.

I would like to expand the above quote just a little to read, “friends are the family we choose for ourselves here on earth”. I believe that before we came to Earth we lived in a pre-existence and that while we were there we picked or were picked by the actual family we have here. I believe that while we were there that my parents really wanted my sister and I to be part of their family but were told that one of the trials they would have was the inability to have children. I believe that you had the strength to step up and say “I’ll help them come to you.” I have always felt that I was with the family I was meant to have.

I know many will ask “Does that mean that if someone uses their agency to make choices that lead them away for those that were meant to be their family that they will never have a family?” I will say that I don’t have all the answers to that question. But I don’t believe that any of us will be deprived of the blessing of a family because of the choices of another. There has to have been contingency after contingency made up there in the pre-existence based on the use of our free agency. It doesn’t always have to make sense to me for me to believe. That’s where faith steps in.

I am so thankful for whatever plans and choices were made that have brought me to the family I have, all of them. I am also thankful for the abundance of faith that I seem to have been blessed with.

Thankfully,

T.

Nothing Is Injured…

Dear Birth Mother,

Don’t worry, nothing is injured. Well nothing but my pride anyway. Why should you worry you ask? Well, I fell today…twice. I have been trying to get some exercise during my break at work and so I went for a walk today. There is a great walking path behind my office and it winds into a nature preserve with a little pond. I ended up off the path but could see where it was and headed in that direction. We’ve had a lot of rain this week and the ground around here is so hard that it ends up flooding when it rains hard. Well apparently this was one of the areas where it flooded. I took one step towards the path and hit a mud patch. That was all she wrote. I ended up flat on my back in a big mud bath. Who says you need to go to the spa for a mud treatment? Don’t forget this was in the middle of my work day. I had to call my hubby to bring me clean clothes…clear down to my underwear. I had mud on my legs, my hands, my clothes, my face…E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. I skulked back to the office and was able to clean up and turn my dress around so that the mud wasn’t getting on my chair and I continued working until my wardrobe change (and lunch) arrived. All I could do was laugh. I am frequently doing things that are super “graceful” like that.

Now for part deux. I was shopping at Costco and was attempting to put a case of water bottles on the bottom of my cart. This really nice guy offered to get it for me. I was really appreciative of the help and backed up to give him room. As I backed up I hit an empty pallet. I was flat on my bum before I even knew what happened. The friend of the man that was helping me, helped me too my feet quickly with no apparent damage to me or the pallet. He asked if anything was broken and I had to respond that nothing but my pride was hurt. I’m a little achy tonight, but nothing that won’t quickly resolve.

Sometimes when I lose my footing, run into something or someone, drop something or am in general clumsy it makes me wonder if that’s just me or if I inherited it. My sister is a bit of a klutz too, so it seems that it may be an honest part of our make-up. Are you less than graceful at times?

Uninjured,

T.

Dear Birth Mother,

I should be sleeping right now, I am exhausted. I didn’t go to sleep last night until almost 2 a.m. But I wanted to take the time to write. I am struggling right now. More specifically my marriage and family are struggling. My husband and I are working hard to get through some trials we are facing, but these trials are keeping me awake at night. I know you have probably had some sleepless nights in your life too. I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I’m still here but I am spending as much of my time and energy as I can to healing my family.

Groggily,

T.

Teenagerness

Dear Birth Mother,

I am taking my lunch break at work today to write. It seems that I haven’t had much time to write lately so I’m making time.

I have a teenager. Most of the time she is amazing. She is smart, kind, has goals and values. She knows what she believes in and stands by those beliefs. Every once in a while though she gets an attitude and speaks disrespectfully to me. Luckily she is rarely sullen and moody and can usually change her attitude without much prompting. Every time it happens though, I cringe because it makes me recall my own teenage years and the defiant teen I was.

I wasn’t really a bad kid. I wasn’t out partying with my friends, drinking or doing drugs. But I was defiant and hard headed. My parents were pretty strict people. They were just doing what they thought was best for us at the time, I realize that now. Back then though, I just thought they were mean. In truth I was the mean one.

I am the kind if person that tends to have to learn the hard way, and that was doubly true when I was a teen. I would sneak out of the house during the middle of the night. I would talk back and smart off to my parents, especially my mom. I was so disrespectful and I have felt the need to apologize over and over again to them for being that way. I am grateful every day that my children are generally not like that.

The one thing that I will never forget, happened when I was about thirteen or fourteen. My dad and I were arguing over something and I got so mad that I screamed at him, “YOU AREN’T EVEN MY REAL DAD!” There are few words I have said in my life that I have regretted saying as much as those. It’s one of only two times in my life that I can remember my daddy crying. I don’t think I could have said or done anything else at that moment that would’ve hurt him more. The thing is, I have never actually felt that way…ever. They are the only parents I have ever known. In out religion we believe in the power to seal families together for eternity and we are sealed together. I still apologize to him every so often…he has forgiven me, but I’m not sure what it will take for me to forgive myself.

Saying that doesn’t in any way diminish your role as my birth mother. It’s just a different relationship. Or rather more of a lack of relationship. I have always felt that I was placed with the family I was meant to have and that your selfless act allowed me to get here.

I have often wondered how my life would’ve been different had you made the choice to raise us yourself. What kind of a teenager would I have been? Was part of my behavior was from being adopted and trying to find my place in the world? How would you have handled us? What were you like as a teenager? Someday I will get the answers to at least some of those questions…until then I will just reflect on the life I have lived.

Reflectively,

T.

Friends of All Shapes and Sizes

Dear Birth Mother,

I have been blessed throughout my entire life to come with a built-in best friend. She’s been by my side since we were embryos. I was blessed to have her in my life every day, thanks to you. I would be remiss however if I didn’t mention that I have also been blessed with other dear and faithful friends my entire life. I have always been able to surround myself with greatness. I believe a large part of that is because my parents raised me to have those opportunities.

I have been thinking a lot about some of my friends lately. I have some friends I have known my entire life. We literally don’t remember meeting we have just always been friends. We were lucky enough to be able to celebrate our 40th birthdays together this year. We can be separated by hundreds of miles, not have an actual conversation for months, and then pick up as if we just talked yesterday. I know no matter what I do they will always be my friends.

I also have been blessed with two different groups of amazing friends through being involved in book clubs. I joined a book club when I was newly married and cherish those friends. We went from newlyweds to parents with children dating and driving. This school year our first couple will graduate from high school. It’s amazing that they are still meeting monthly to read a good book, discuss it and enjoy and evening of sisterhood together. I am sad to say I have not been able to attend that group for over six years now. I moved away from them physically, but I am still included in all their emails and activities. I still get to keep up with what everyone is doing.

I started my second book club a few months after I relocated. I needed that camaraderie and those close bonds with some friends. I moved to a city where I knew nobody and my closest friend or relative was an hour away. It was a rough start and I was about ready to give up. but I hung in there and I am ever so grateful I did. This core group of strong women who are all in different stages of life. Some of us aren’t done having children and some of us have teenagers. It’s so amazing to me that our opinions can be so different on a subject or a book, but yet our feelings aren’t hurt and we don’t get offended by it. It’s a safe place to be able to be me.

I have two really close friends at work that are always there for me. We started working at our company on the same day, a little over three years ago. We are very different and yet we just get each other. I know that no matter what happens they have my back as I have theirs. They love me for the girl they see on the inside. It’s an amazing feeling to know that there are people that see who I am and love me anyway.

I hope that you have friends as amazing as mine. Someone once told me that I have a lot of amazing friends because I am an amazing friend. I have to disagree with that. I think if I am a great friend it’s because I have surrounded myself with great friend.

Never alone,

T.